Because I am a ROCKET MAN...

That really is a great song, don't underestimate it, and it captures such a perfectly unique mood (lyrics to prove the claim, more or less). The rocket man, filled with superhuman power, stranded so far from home in a place, cold as hell, with a mix of optimism and pessimism, resignation and hope, he strides boldly into the long night, and it will take him a long, long time to get back. Kudos to you Elton John, Kudos.

Move Along, Move Along, Like I told you too

And so I have through good and bad, but then again, I haven't had things so bad really and so.

But I have to say I have moved to a better place all and all. Not physically, that matter is up to debate. But emotionally (well, not exactly emotionally, more like in the aspect of satisfaction) I feel a good deal better than even yesterday.

It is amazing what a day of blogging can do (as I used to rant about, I never have reconciled myself fully to that word, but...ah, these are My United States of Whatever!), if I wanted though to pin down something particular that triggered my mood, it would probably be that act of resuming my writing in this forum. Yet there are perhaps other reasons for this shift in my sense of feeling.

Now I am one who believes that God gives us the right to refuse Him, but I also believe that He does intervene in this world. As with many apparent contradictions of religion, a little thought can resolve this one and lead to a more complete truth. I believe essentially, though not absolutely, that God, in most cases acts in ways that can be doubted. But then there are also miracles, and among those whose record comes from sources I trust, one cannot say God always acts ambiguously in people's lives. Well, perhaps for some people the choice to accept or reject God is made more direct, although not truly forced, but most of the time, I think, God's work is most obviously His to those who do not need such evidence, the true believers who have not a shred of doubt. That does seem a bit unfair at first glance, but it does preserve our freedom of choice in belief. But let me not over-generalize, I think with everyone, their relationship with God is unique, as suits a most crucial aspect of a unique person.

And so that's my view of things, and on the practical side of that view that leads to an open view of those who cite direct experiences from God, and yet I rarely if ever trust in mystical senses of things. But if that sounds like the best of both worlds, that is a highly debatable assessment, in several senses. What it has meant for me, with what I like to think is a strong faith, but an uncertainty about all experiences and about myself and about my ability believe, is that I constantly must debate how to treat things in the light of God's will. Now I do believe that coincidences are sometimes God's interference, but I also believe that they are sometimes coincidences.

It makes perfect sense to me that God, an infinite being, would have a personal interest in me, since wouldn't an infinite being of infinite love be able to grant an infinite affection for an infinite number of people? If that seems like a high number of infinites to juggle, well, life's like that (and that's the way it is), after all, if the universe can contain the whole of our life, it becomes questionable whether our mind can contain the whole of the workings of the universe. Anywho, I quite a bit often find myself falling upon random things in life and pondering, perhaps far too deeply, about what they mean or if they mean nothing. Is this oddity a message for me, is it a message for someone else, or is it just part of the odds and ends produced by all the different messages and meanings that are flying through the universe, faster than the speed of light.

This all in general leads to an uncertain suggestion of answers, and yet, that does leave me with plausible deny-ability in making my choice about whether or not to follow God's will, giving me a choice despite my fear and/or love for God. While sometimes this causes possible interventions to do little (or on the surface little), to change my pre-determined course, sometimes it gives me a sense of things to do, either in act or in thought.

And to march back through the paragraphs to where I was talking about my renewed mood (although now I'm starting to question my renewed mood, although that's largely because ME SO SLEEPY!!!), these little (and sometimes not so little) coincidences which I debate over did however give me an increasing sense of dissatisfaction. Not exactly dissatisfaction in life, actually more oppositely a dissatisfaction with my attitude on life which in itself was very dissatisfied. While I can't place my finger on what exactly that attitude was, or the change, and hence not exactly on the cause of the change, it possessed a marked negativity overall, that again and again I sensed God disagreed with. And perhaps, bit by bit, this sense of things changed my attitude, shifted my mind and brought me this new mood simply coinciding with my blogging and...

Well, actually, the most probable answer is one which I have the most stock in trusting, is that this dissatisfaction with idle dissatisfaction lead me to push a renewal of writing which in turn renewed my mood and on and on and on and so on.

And in the infinite scheme of things, this might be insignificant, but we have little to control in this life, even as we do the best we can to control our consequences to the good, to do the will of God, but what we do have control over, or what we can control in our best fathoming of who we are and what control is, is our attitude toward life, toward ourselves, and toward God.

In the end we have but a choice, but what a wondrous choice that is. A choice to choose Love.

So take it to your head, take to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Two steps forward, one step forward, one sideways, and always twirling toward the future

So it is, so it is.

It's tiresome to have grandiose dreams, and less-than grandiose capabilities, but ah that is the nature of the grandiose?

But let me step away from all that, but then again am I bound by that rule in this as well.

Well, I must say I am displeased with the level of nonsense that comes out of me these days. I mean I have nothing against nonsense, and I revel in it when the moment is right. But each person has different moments when it is right, and other moments when it becomes obsessive. And then peeling away the skin of the nonsensical, one finds some very, all too, sensical fears and lusts.

Lately, much of my speech has danced along the line between indulgent nonsense and the sort that celebrates life in its meaningless richness. I suppose that's because I do nonsense well. Yet I cannot carry that banner on all occasions, lest I wear thin the patience of those around me, as well as my own, because to be honest, even I have points where I'm sick of nonsense. Oddly enough those occur sometimes when I'm still spouting nonsense and then I just get sick of hearing myself speak, or think for that matter.

But the alternatives to nonsense are the oblivion of apathy, and making sense, and while I need not cite the negatives of the former, the later carries a burden as well. Because if you make sense, well, your words carry, your actions carry, and when they carry too much the weight of the guilt and the consequences lay on you, and then when they carry too little, the weight of the guilt and consequences seem like they lay on you as well.

But as I said, or at least implied, nonsense can only get you so far. And I am near the sickening point of my own nonsense...

But perhaps that is just my feeling this moment. Perhaps, in truth, I have more of a leeway for nonsense than I give myself credit for, and perhaps, perhaps just maybe I am making more sense than I sense myself. Ah, but that is not for me to judge, and so I will carry on, into the night where the stars are like dust and history is infinite...

So take it to your head, take it to your heart and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

The sleepy

Not an auspicious start to my restart, eh old start? But start start start start start...
I am sleepy, and so I shall go to sleep, but I will return, or if not, what dreams may come...

Working in a Gold Mine, but all the shimmers must fade away

So I'm liking my job. It's a good job, the people are nice, they respect me, it's interesting, yada, yada, yada...

So on a moment to moment basis, I'm feeling a good deal better about my job situation. But there is still something bugging me. Well not something...

It is a small world, my job. I mean it actually deals with variables and items coming from all over the globe, and impacting people all over the, etc., etc., etc.

But the world of the office, it is very small. And just the world of web development just for this company, that's a very small canvas.

And yet, this job takes up time. I was half-debating whether or not to skip this and just get some sleep, but I knew had I done that I would wake up under the weather. (Ke-He-He-Hekel)

But this is actually a good deal greater of a canvas than I had previously, that is without a job. And as I learn to manager my time better, adjusting to things and not taking trains in the wrong direction (as I did today), I imagine I'll have more time for writing, and reading, and painting in all the colors of the rainbow! (because rainbows are cool)

But more importantly, this is not only a step up, it is a step toward more steps up, since it gives me some income, some experience and some nice skills. It might not be the ideal place to get those, but it's a pretty good place for that.

Yet I must be careful I imagine, it's easy to get drawn into things, daily tasks, responsibilities, and beyond any decision of ambition or non-ambition, choice of life paths, canvas sizes big, small, or javascript, there is a far more important choice one risks loosing.

The choice of whether or not to do the right thing. The choice of whether or not to follow the ways of the Lord. To get trapped in the trappings of well, the world, life I suppose, well, it can trap you, and cost you that most precious freedom of deciding for yourself whether or not to give your soul to the Lord. If that sounds like not a choice at all, it is because the right choice is so obvious, but we have that terrible and wondrous gift to make the wrong choice, but if we forget all about the choices we choose, and instead think only of that which we do, then our choice has already been made. And then our sentence is just, not handed down by a cruel God, but by our own foolishness which lets us fall away from God, who is in all the best parts of ourselves, who is all Goodness, and that my friends is Hell.

Well, I think I've just about covered the gambit from Gold Mines to Hell, so I think, dear readers, it is time for me to get some sleep.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight Folks!

And God Bless.

Rand's Adventures in Job Land

People often mistake me for someone who is competent in social matters. I am not so, and in general to maintain my relationships to a degree that I find satisfactory, I need to reserve a store of effort and energy out of my other activities devoted to friends and family. However, I have found that despite repeated experience I still seem to make the same mistakes of allowing my friendships fade during moments of stress (which does not help the stress). It is a pattern I need to work on getting rid of.

So to be short, I would like to apologize to most of my friends for withdrawing into myself with little outside contact for this last month or two. I do have a reason for this, that is I had been immensely distracted by the process of losing my last job and getting a new one (which starts Monday). Still, as reasons go, that seems rather lame. I think as a principle I need to start taking more time out of my life to talk and hang out with my friends. I'm not sure how to push myself in that regard beyond a simple wish, but it is a wish that I am going to invest some effort in my immediate future.

In addition to that I have other goals for the future. Of course doing well at my new job, but also embarking on new creative efforts and restarting others, such as my blog: http://therandshow.blogspot.com .

So it seems I have picked out a good deal to keep me busy in the future. Ah, well, I think that suits me well. For some periods I have spent much of my time worrying about the future and concentrating on the necessities, while others I have embarked on many ambitious goals with some succeeding and others failing. And I have found the latter a preferable way to live.

After all, as my father often quoted for me, if you aim for the heavens, at the very least you might reach the gates.

The Return of the King

No, I am not a descendant of Elendil the Tall, but as Rand I am the king of that rocks with the prerequisite rolling.

I played around a lot with ideas of the title of this post. This post being my glorious return to the world of blogging, there were many possible titles that flashed within my head. Two of the ones that appealed to me most strongly before the current one, still ring significant. They draw themselves from a song by the always awesome U2 (well, not really always, between albums they swing wildly between mildly entertaining and insanely cool), which itself is not among the highest of their songs, but does contain some awesome lines, (I have digressed wildly within this sentence, so let me return with the name of the song). I am speaking of "New Year's Day" (Lyrics)(Music Video), and the lines in question are:

"I will begin again"
and
"Nothing changes on New Year's Day"

Those phrases struck me as poignant especially as:

A. I've been thinking about this since around New Year's and so the latter phrase would have been especially appropriate (although it is amusingly coincidental (but NOT ironic, since this fact fits in literally with the phrase, and contains no element of contradiction which is the sine non qua of irony) that when New Year's Day came I ended up chickening out and hence nothing did change on New Year's Day).

But B. more importantly I was kick-starting an overall renewal in my creative ventures, a core part of myself and hence I was beginning again.

One might think (Juan, Juan, who is this Juan and why is he always cited, heh, heh, heh, okay that joke doesn't work that well in the written word) that after many, many half-starts (like the before-mentioned New Year's day 2009) and aborted bursts of effort, that I might find it wiser to give up on the idea of renewing my creative efforts, but that dog won't hunt, monsignor.

Because does Rand give up? A thousand times NO!.

More seriously I considered retiring my creative dreams. To be honest, there were moments when that prospect seemed, if not attractive, obtainable, and promising perhaps an ultimate reward of satisfaction. For even without my creative ventures there are still the aspects of my life relating to my family, friends, and perhaps someday wife and kids, which can offer me much opportunity to do good, fulfilling work. Relationships have always been important to me, and indeed a source of much concern and effort, but looking at a life centering solely on them, I felt a little bit disappointed. Afterall, I am an ambitious man, indeed, I am Rand the great and glorious.

Yet, brooding more on my situation, I found that a relationship-centric life, even if not necessarily the most attractive now, could become more attractive and ultimately satisfying over time. People change, even I can change. And as I deepen my connections with people, and engage deeper with their lives, and gain the small victories and triumphs that mark relationships, I could imagine this would trigger a growing appreciation for a life devoted simply to friends, family, and those in my immediate circle of contacts. And as an advantage, the relationship-centered life seems (although I am not certain from this vantage point) to offer a better chance of giving me a level of success (success within the center of my life, which in this case would be relationships), than one with a good deal of energy spent creatively.

But screw success! (cite the defiant Billy Idol punk snarl)

Looking forward in life, I find I could possibly be happy with a life less creative, but I don't want to be. I find something beautiful in the simple effort of striving toward creativity and striving to share my creativity (if that is calling myself beautiful, well, I like to think I am rather pretty, but for all of it, I must always give props to the Good Lord, the founder of the feast (Perfect Toast I've Never Had a Chance to Give: To all the girls I've ever loved, and to God, the founder of the feast)). I find something even more beautiful in striving for creative success (success measured in creativity and the sharing of the creativity, not as much money or fame, although I admit those things do tempt a little attraction, a matter I must watch out for further on in my life) in the face of a strong likelihood of failure.

As a fan of The Great Gatsby I must admit a fondness for a life spent as a boat against the current, running toward the green light, while the tides bear ceaselessly into the past...

Not that I consider my chances that grim. I think I have some good ideas, some good stories, and an essentially attractive, though flexible writing style (although style is not something inbred, it is earned, through thought, effort, and technique). Moreover, I have the advantage of being open to many different fields of creativity. While creative writing, particularly fiction, is my favorite, I also enjoy historical writing and speculation, Math/CS speculation, creative programming, even scientific speculation when the mood strikes me right. A key quality of success I feel, though some have told me different, is being willing to throw many things against the wall, aware that most objects will shatter, in search of that one that will stick.

So in the end I begin again. So why not that for the title? Well I have an explanation for that Mr./Ms. Smarty-I'm-So-Smarty-I-Like-To-Eat-Smarties-Pants. I value introspection. It is something that has helped me greatly in life. But there is introspection and then there is imprisoning oneself in considerations of the past, and to break out of that prison, one must sometimes not simply defy the failures of the past, but fully cast them off, throwing them to the backseat of your life as you look into the future confident that, with God's help, anything is possible, or at least something quite beautiful is possible. So I titled this post to frame it not as a meditation on defeat that is overcome leading me to start over, but rather as a celebration of the effort I am undergoing.

And this effort will likely seem daunting at times, given past mistakes, but I believe in False Bravado, the idea that to obtain a measure of glory, one must act above his own confidence, and so to signify my commitment to that effort, I take on the title of king (though Christ is the only true King, but I take the title both in sincere imitation and in light pretense), as a warning to my fears, anxieties, and temptations, that I will not be servile to them.

Because Rand is back.

So take it to your head, take it to your heart, and remember Rand rocks. Goodnight folks!

And God Bless.