Here's to you Michael Jackson, Salute

I have at least six sessions of pressing importance that I want to get onto the web. I have at least a dozen personal matters to attend to.

Me wasting time wandering on the web is nothing new, but I keep being drawn back to Michael Jackson and his recent passing. Farah Fawcett's death struck me too as something... but it was a death of a famous person who I had only the smallest exposure to, even via media (though she seemed like a very nice person there, God bless you Ms.Fawcett).

Michael Jackson was something different. What he meant to me I'm not sure. He was a legend (his official Youtube channel if you need proof). I listened to his music on occasion, Billie Jean probably was the song that seemed most Jackson-esque to me, though Thriller would probably be what I'd think of first. Still, I wasn't a major Michael Jackson fan, indeed for Smooth Criminal, I prefer the Alien Ant Farm version to the original.

Maybe his eternal child image did mean something to me.

Maybe that scene from Three Kings rang a degree of truth.(The shooting script, search "Michael Jackson" to find what I'm talking about)

Maybe, to me, he was a symbol of dreams gone wrong or of dreams denied or of something... maybe he was a symbol of the United States of America, a country I love dearly...

I can't really say. I know this though, even though I can claim no great faith in Michael Jackson's defenses against the various accusations leveled against him, I always thought, or maybe just hoped, that he would end up alright. That his next act would be one of redemption and even musical renewal. Or maybe just personal renewal, where he could finally set his house in order and dismiss all the bizarre dilemmas that often seemed to come from his own hands. And now he's dead, and now we won't get to see that last act. (Roger Ebert has summed up this angle far better than me on his site)

But we shouldn't act as if his life was a tragedy, or at least not a pure one. He made magnificent music, and influenced generations. Even if I might say generally his is not my genre, I have to admire the music and I have to admit that his influence has brought out the best in many of the artists I listen to daily, and it has brought so much joy and inspiration to so many, and...

That all makes me wish he had ended his life in a happier time, at the very least, his way of passing, a heart attack was very normal and very quick, but still...

But still, he deserved better from the world and from himself and now his moment on the earth has ended...

but there is still the world to come. Whatever Michael Jackson's rights or wrongs, it at least looked like he was a man filled with anxiety and pain, but the Lord can take that away, and in the Lord's love, all of Michael Jackson's...

well, no eye has seen, no ear has heard.

But I will offer this prayer:

Please Lord,
Help Michael Jackson to put away his pains,
Remove his sins,
And guide Him to your ever lasting Love,
Amen.

God bless you Michael Jackson.

It's been a while

So yeah, it's been a little while since I've done some posting, what of it, you want to fight?

Ah, you guys never want to fight. When I was a kid I always used to love play fighting, but as I grew older, A. I realized that I had trouble giving a hard punch, I'm not sure whether it's because I'm afraid of hurting someone or just weakness, and that scared me away from fighting for some time, and B. it's hard to find someone who just wants to do playfighting you're older. Or maybe it isn't and I just have trouble recognizing people who share my interests. If I could find one of those underground fight clubs I would join like that (snaps his fingers, actually no, I can't really snap, not a real loud snap, but I can do a sort of semi-snap). Anyways, I don't have time now, but I'll try to get a bigger post in later.

Until then enjoy the archieves, check out The World of Rand and live your life to the max, because it could be over like that (attempts to snap his fingers again).

The blues of the younger years

I read an article in the Star-Ledger today about some controversy over early diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It was not a great article, lacking the depth I would have liked but it was decently interesting. It brought up a case of this little girl who was killed by an overdose of bipolar medication, and raised the question of whether the psychiatrist who first brought up the idea of little kids having bipolar disorder was morally responsible for this. On the face of it, I would have to say no, since the parents gave their little girl an overdose, ignoring the recommended guidelines. If the psychiatrist made vague statements that could have been interpreted as encouraging above-recommended medication, maybe he's responsible, otherwise, no. But the broader question is whether bipolar disorder starts with adults or with kids. I'm not sure if my problems are exactly bipolar disorder, they do involve deep depressive phases and some manic phases, although the depressive phases tend to be longer. But if my mental illness is bipolar disorder, then I could say in my case at least, my problems started early. Well, maybe. It's hard to say exactly, I definitely know I can trace back my anxiety problems to when I was very young, with my depressive and manic phases, I probably can say they also go back to when I was young, although in both cases, the problems only got really, really bad when I hit puberty. But even before then I had problems with social interaction, not necessarily obvious problems, but I found it extremely nerve racking to call people over the phone, so I ended up with much fewer outside school play-dates than other kids my age. With depression, it's hard to remember exactly because it's harder to remember mood, especially given the tendancy to romanticize youth. But I think overall, yeah there were depressive periods, and probably some manic periods back then. Did these problems go back to younger than 6 as the pyschiatrist in the article speculates? That I really, really, really don't know, because remembering all my feelings that long ago is very difficult and very speculative. But my problems didn't just start with puberty, they just got worse then. However, I should qualify myself by pointing out that my case is just one story and should not be regarded as the case for all people with bipolar disorders, and my problems might not even be bipolar. But at least I can say mental problems sometimes start early in a kid's life.